Over the past five months, I’ve been getting this feeling of falling short in how I work. I’d say it’s the fear that what I do is not good enough, even with all my thoughts on self-validation. I feel like I lack the ability and some resources to meet the demands required to achieve my goals and ideas.
I haven’t been able to drop any videos about my thoughts and learning process for the past four months. But aside from that, I’ve been actively working on my collaborators’ projects. And if I come to think of it, that shouldn’t stop me from putting out my content. I find it hard to execute my video ideas, which makes me ask: Am I afraid of falling short, or am I just self-doubting? I don’t know.
There’s a video I should have dropped six weeks ago, but I’ve left the project singing:
“I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me…”
“Now the day bleeds into nightfall, and you’re not here to get me through it all…” in Lewis Capaldi‘s voice.
I stare at it, look at it, and think: Should I drop this? Should I just leave it? Should I trash it?
And mind you, I got the idea for this particular content over four months ago. I was able to record it because, whenever an idea comes to me, the first thing I do is record a voice note (rough thought) before I start scripting and researching. So the first draft of the idea was over four months ago. I eventually scripted it ten weeks later. You are probably wondering why it took me so long.
Yeah, I’m battling on that side of production, because what is content without a script? I hate… hmm… I wouldn’t say I hate writing. I procrastinate when it comes to writing my ideas down, especially content ideas. I find it hard to do it at the right time.
The day I finally decided to script was the same day I shot the video. I shot all the B-roll I’d need during editing, and I even started editing that same day. But I couldn’t even get halfway through, just made some cuts and all that.
Since that day, I haven’t been able to open the project to really check in. And if I do, I just rewatch what I’ve done so far, then close it, or get distracted by random notifications on my phone.
So yeah, that’s just my state of mind right now.
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